Curbing FEAR with the Rope of Hope

     I think I am the most fearful person in the world. I fear the future, I fear the hauntings of my past, I fear God, work, sickness, loss of a loved one...the list goes on. The overall collapsing fear is my fear of people. This plays out in many ways. One is in my performance. I'm so afraid of not living up to the expectations (or what I perceive as expectations) of those around me that I will either push through it and suffer the effects of anxiety, panic attacks, and depression or I will avoid the situation all together. 
     When I push through something, sometimes my personality gets ugly. I get angry, yell, curse, throw stuff, punch holes in doors (the ones that are hollow, not solid) or quietly check out of relationships. (I know, drama king huh?) When I avoid stuff, I find that, just like the earth continues to push rocks up in the field, my issues keep resurfacing. Eventually I have to deal with them.
     Fearing this way is a sin and I confess that this is an area of sin that I continue to return to. Honestly, I really don't know if I'll ever get out of it. It's almost like it is in my blood and I would have to have some sort of miraculous transfusion to not fear people any more. 
     I am currently in a position where my job is coming to an end soon and my prospects are as thin as the ice in April. I was looking at all the billboards along the highway as I drove to work the other day. It appeared to me that everyone has a job and they are all VERY passionate about what they do. The business logo on the side of a van told me "that guy really loves electrician work". The billboard said "we love selling jewelry" while another said "we love giving the best healthcare". 
     Honestly, I am very intimidated by that because if I had a billboard I don't really know what I would say with it. It might say something like this, "I want you to know that YOU have value and DON'T ever let anyone discourage you from what you love to do". (By the way, I am writing as I think...this entry has not been prepared.) What I just wrote about my billboard tells me that I want to tell people exactly what I want to hear and do. 
     My dad says, "if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life". That's where I want to be. If I could get paid to encourage people to love God, love themselves and not to let the "world" set their worth and value, that would be the BEST job! The icing on the cake would be to do that AND play killer music with a killer band! :-)
     I want to be honest as I transition here a bit. I can't really write something about life without including God's truth. He tells us "do not fear" I'm not going to throw out numbers of how many times he says it because honestly I don't care. If God says is ONCE, that's enough for us. At the moment, though, I am having a tough time trusting God, even though I know he's in control of all things and has a proven track record of perfect care. I can't remember the last sermon I heard that didn't pertain to my situation. He is speaking to me but I quickly forget. It's like there's some magnetic field that I walk through after church or bible study or an encouraging lunch conversation that sucks that belief right from my heart. I quickly reach out to that rope of fear to hang on to for security.
     I will end with this illustration. I had a vision once of what clinging to sin has been like in my life. There's a dark room and I cannot see a ceiling, walls or floor. It's almost like it's not even a room but the light reveals several ropes hanging down. The ropes represent security. The texture of the ropes reminds me of those velvet ropes they use to rope off boundaries to celebrities. They appeared strong and I could easily swing from one sin to another having a blast doing so. It was a way to curb my fear. Staying high, drunk, or pleasured by sensuality were easy and fun ways to numb my fear. Over time, the fun ropes lost their strength and they would break. Now it feels like the only rope I can cling to is the rope of fear. There is also a rope that slowly became visible to me...off in the distance. It didn't look like the "soft, fuzzy velvet rope of fun" and certainly not secure enough as the rope of fear . It actually looks huge and difficult to hold on to. This is the "Rope of Hope". Ironically I cling to the rope of fear because I'm afraid to reach to the Rope of Hope. I'm too afraid to put all of my trust in God's plan for my life. 
     As I encourage people to cling to God during fearful or sorrowful times, I am still a "work in progress". Let's continue to lift those around us up in prayer, that God would TRULY reveal himself to us in miraculous, supernatural ways, SO bright that the "shadow of doubt" doesn't even have a chance to cast itself over us. You are loved and cherished! Please share your story if you feel led! 
I'm just being honest!
Jason